dependency
consequences.'
The following dialogue was recorded for monitoring purposes
at Zolaholics Anonymous centre for people addicted to sexy football, at a
location not far from Vicarage Road, earlier today:
“Hello, my name is Ben and I’m a Zolaholic…well…it is hard
for me to say, but I am here today to talk about my addiction to sexy football.
It has been going on for, let me see, about 7 months now. Urr, I started
watching Watford just for a bit of entertainment really. I never thought
anything of it; an occasional home game followed by a trip up to Huddersfield,
it all seemed pretty harmless at first. But
since that late Deeney penalty at the McAlpine, I just haven’t been able to
control myself.”
“Explain what you mean.”
 |
| Is there any room for anything else? |
“Well, I can’t stop thinking about football: fluid passing
moves, incisive counter-attacks, one-twos, I even find Fernando Forestieri’s diving
to be a thing of beauty. I’m not normally like that you see. If I see anyone
from another team diving, I usually react with utter indignation, but when
Fernando does it…well…the way he throws himself to the floor is endearing…majestic
even.”
“OK…tell me more.”
"Nathaniel Chalobah’s drop of the shoulder to find space,
Jonathan Hogg’s combative style and tireless running, Almen Abdi’s total
composure and consummate passing game, Troy Deeney’s mammoth physique and
unrivalled hold-up play not to mention the killer finishing of Matej Vydra.
Even Lloyd Doyley is playing out of his skin.”
“All sounds good to me. What is the problem?”
"Well, it is great and all, but it is starting to take over
my life. As I said, it just started like any other season, but now I have to go
to every game! Now it’s every Saturday and even Tuesday nights. Driving up and
down the country to places like Ipswich, Hull and I’m even planning to go to
Barnsley! I’ve never wanted to go to these places in my life! I don’t even
hesitate when someone asks whether I want to go to the football. I just go.
It’s like I have no willpower anymore.”
“What is it that keeps you going back to it?”
“Well, there are so many things: the excitement and anticipation before the game is one reason. You walk to the stadium with a feeling of confidence, knowing that we are going to score at least one goal. I think the most addictive thing is the feeling I get when we score a goal. It’s great. It’s a shared
moment when all of a sudden you can just jump up and down in absolute
jubilation. Nothing else matters. Not at that moment. Then afterwards you sing
about it. Singing all together in absolute joy, until you almost lose your
voice! It’s not something I would normally do. For some reason once a goal goes
in and everybody is up and buzzing, you suddenly don’t mind singing at the top
of your voice in public. It’s liberating really. Where else do you get to
unleash like that? There’s nothing else like it."
“If you enjoy it so much, why have you come to Zolaholics Anonymous?”
“Well, you also get so wrapped up in it all, you start shouting at the referees and their assistants because you think their might be some kind of conspiracy to deny you the three points for a win. You collectively insinuate that this professional doing their best to referee the game accurately has either been bribed or perhaps he doesn't have the requisite vision to be judging the game. I would never normally question any other professional about whether they know what they're talking about or not. It really isn't me!”
"It doesn’t even stop there though. It’s not just the
feeling you get when you are there celebrating a goal and the troubling anger or frustration when anything goes against you to inhibit that feeling. It’s also the feeling of winning.
When you win a game, you feel good and you want to go out and celebrate that
too. Over the course of a few beers, you talk about the game and what happened
over and over again. You talk about how each player performed and highlight
particular bits that he did that you enjoyed, how you felt at the time, whether
you think the tactics worked, how the opposition performed, why we were better
than them; you even talk about the referee and everything he got right or
wrong.”
“That sounds…slightly obsessive don’t you think?”
“That’s not the half of it! After you have well and truly
discussed every minute detail that you remembered about the win, you start
looking at your phones. Everyone at the table gets their phone out and starts
looking at the table, the fixtures, maybe even a betting account. You discuss how other people
in the table have done, especially those around you, and even bang on about how
their goal difference might affect where you will end up at the end of the
season. Every week I look at the table, which has changed only a tiny bit from
last week, but I find it riveting. The fixtures are the worst though.”
“Why is that?”
“The fixtures are the worst because they never change. You
study the fixtures every week; who your team
are going to be playing and who
their closest rivals are going to be playing.”
“That doesn’t sound too abnormal, Ben.”
“Not at first, but you have to keep looking at them again
and again. Your head is so filled with all these other football stats over the
week that you mysteriously forget the fixtures! I can’t explain it. Every time
you have to refresh your memory and then discuss how you think those fixtures
will go based on any projected change in form resulting from this week’s
performances. It’s like a merry-go-round of town names that you just cannot
seem to get into your head!”
“So, to sum up, on top of spending copious amounts of money
on watching the football, you are spending a lot of money travelling to
god-forsaken towns you would never normally want to go to yet you are going to
unusual lengths to do so even at inconvenient times. Am I right so far?
“That’s right, yes.”
“On top of that you spend your free time looking at names of
towns on various web pages, sometimes in a table format, sometimes the names
are opposite each other, sometimes there are numbers next to those names –
correct me if I am wrong.”
“No, that’s all correct.”
“On top of that, you are aware that these players you are
idolising and watching twice a week are being paid an exorbitant wage for what
is essentially a 90 minute kick about and it is your obsessive behaviour and
the obsessive behaviour of others that are encouraging this trend?”
“I guess so, but that doesn’t really matter as long as they
keep winning though right?”
“OK, Ben, you are showing some clear signs of obsessive
behaviour. I think we need…”
“Hang on a second…I haven’t finished…there’s more.”
“Really? But I think you have already told me enough to
establish that you have a pretty severe case of obsessive behaviour.”
“Well…just one more thing. And it is perhaps a bit odd. I am
so happy about Watford at the moment, I have even got myself an Udinese shirt.
You see, our club are owned by the guys who own Udinese. At first it was just a
sort of homage to the how well they are doing, but since I’ve been wearing it
for away games we have won every game and haven’t even conceded an away goal. I
see it as my lucky shirt.”
“OK, Ben, this has now gone beyond obsessive behaviour into
full-blown addiction. I am assuming that this is affecting your life in adverse
ways that you are probably not even consciously aware of. I am going to
recommend that you check yourself into our rehabilitation centre as soon as
possible.”
“Wait! No! But, what about the Derby match this afternoon!
What about promotion!!!”
(Ben is carted off in a strait-jacket and put into immediate
care).
WARNING: Too much sexy
football can be addictive. Please enjoy football responsibly.
If you think you, or a
friend, is struggling with addiction to sexy football, please leave your name and
number and we will get back to you as soon as we can. Fans from all clubs welcome.
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